“NO ONE CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN! Empathy, the ability to feel what someone else feels, is one of the great myths of human relationships. Also, highly over-rated. I can create pain to approximate your pain…but that’s my pain, not yours. And when I do that, I focus on myself (self-absorbed) rather than helping you. Being happy/ useful to you when you’re in pain trumps the illusion of empathy.” -Bears Barry Neil Kaufman, via Facebook, 21 February, 2010

I had the pleasure of hearing Bears speak during one of my sessions at the Son-Rise Start-Up that I attended.

What stuck out the most to me is that in introducing myself after I told him that it was a pleasure to meet him.
He asked why.
I was speechless.
I had no idea.
I mean, there were the obvious points. I had just spent two years practicing a programme that he and his wife designed to “cure” Autism. I had spent the last 3 days reading materials that he wrote- materials that I considered completely eye-opening. But his question still had me stunned. Why was I happy to meet this man?
I don’t recall ever answering his question, but I know that I spent a great deal of time reflecting on what I had said.
I was left with the realization that I, like many others, have been programmed to say what I think needs to be said, thus beginning a complete change in perspective of what I am saying, and how I am reacting and interacting with those around me.

I have found myself reverting back to “the old me”- that regular outlook of saying what needs to be said, and moving on; thinking “how can I make that person happy?” or “how can I make this situation less awkward?”, in stead of saying what is on my mind, or doing something proactive.

Something I have been struggling with lately is empathy. What is it? It is defined as “understanding and entering into another’s feelings”. I think we’ve all expressed empathy, and been on the receiving end of it as well. I was so pleased to see the post that Bears made late last night on Facebook.

His statement made two things completely clear for me.
1. I can not expect anyone else to understand how I feel.
2. I can not expect that I will be able to understand how another person feels.

I did have this thought before, but not in a way that I would have deemed “socially acceptable”.
My dad died. Exactly two weeks after my 14th birthday, on the Saturday evening of my first week of high school. He had a heart attack, one that we had known was coming for quite a long time. By the following week I had been basically thrown into a counselling group that consisted of myself and two guys my age who had also lost their fathers. Those were the only things we had in common. Our dads had died, and we were 14. What could we offer to each other? Seriously? How could I sit there and expect to understand? How could either of them tell me that they knew what I was going through? I had concluded that they couldn’t, and now it is clear why.

When I attempt to “put myself in someone else’s shoes” I  am taking the focus off of them and their situation, and putting it on me. That causes me to also miss out on what that person’s needs are, and what more specifically, what they are telling me. I don’t need to understand. I don’t need to nod and say “I know” or even “it’s okay”. I am so guilty of this, even after having experienced the anger and frustration that can come as a result of everyone attempting to understand how you feel, in stead of just letting you feel. Every time I tell someone that I am sorry for their loss or situation I cringe. Seriously. I absolutely hate those words.

The best therapy I had when my dad died was a dear friend who sat with me, just listening to me speak, and not breaking the silent moments with empty words.

As Bears has sad, the best thing we can do for a friend in need is to remain happy, calm, strong, or whatever it is that they need.

I could go off on so many rants, or little insights, or major epiphanies, but I won’t. Not now. Maybe later.

I hope you understand.