“NO ONE CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN! Empathy, the ability to feel what someone else feels, is one of the great myths of human relationships. Also, highly over-rated. I can create pain to approximate your pain…but that’s my pain, not yours. And when I do that, I focus on myself (self-absorbed) rather than helping you. Being happy/ useful to you when you’re in pain trumps the illusion of empathy.” -Bears Barry Neil Kaufman, via Facebook, 21 February, 2010

I had the pleasure of hearing Bears speak during one of my sessions at the Son-Rise Start-Up that I attended.

What stuck out the most to me is that in introducing myself after I told him that it was a pleasure to meet him.
He asked why.
I was speechless.
I had no idea.
I mean, there were the obvious points. I had just spent two years practicing a programme that he and his wife designed to “cure” Autism. I had spent the last 3 days reading materials that he wrote- materials that I considered completely eye-opening. But his question still had me stunned. Why was I happy to meet this man?
I don’t recall ever answering his question, but I know that I spent a great deal of time reflecting on what I had said.
I was left with the realization that I, like many others, have been programmed to say what I think needs to be said, thus beginning a complete change in perspective of what I am saying, and how I am reacting and interacting with those around me.

I have found myself reverting back to “the old me”- that regular outlook of saying what needs to be said, and moving on; thinking “how can I make that person happy?” or “how can I make this situation less awkward?”, in stead of saying what is on my mind, or doing something proactive.

Something I have been struggling with lately is empathy. What is it? It is defined as “understanding and entering into another’s feelings”. I think we’ve all expressed empathy, and been on the receiving end of it as well. I was so pleased to see the post that Bears made late last night on Facebook.

His statement made two things completely clear for me.
1. I can not expect anyone else to understand how I feel.
2. I can not expect that I will be able to understand how another person feels.

I did have this thought before, but not in a way that I would have deemed “socially acceptable”.
My dad died. Exactly two weeks after my 14th birthday, on the Saturday evening of my first week of high school. He had a heart attack, one that we had known was coming for quite a long time. By the following week I had been basically thrown into a counselling group that consisted of myself and two guys my age who had also lost their fathers. Those were the only things we had in common. Our dads had died, and we were 14. What could we offer to each other? Seriously? How could I sit there and expect to understand? How could either of them tell me that they knew what I was going through? I had concluded that they couldn’t, and now it is clear why.

When I attempt to “put myself in someone else’s shoes” I  am taking the focus off of them and their situation, and putting it on me. That causes me to also miss out on what that person’s needs are, and what more specifically, what they are telling me. I don’t need to understand. I don’t need to nod and say “I know” or even “it’s okay”. I am so guilty of this, even after having experienced the anger and frustration that can come as a result of everyone attempting to understand how you feel, in stead of just letting you feel. Every time I tell someone that I am sorry for their loss or situation I cringe. Seriously. I absolutely hate those words.

The best therapy I had when my dad died was a dear friend who sat with me, just listening to me speak, and not breaking the silent moments with empty words.

As Bears has sad, the best thing we can do for a friend in need is to remain happy, calm, strong, or whatever it is that they need.

I could go off on so many rants, or little insights, or major epiphanies, but I won’t. Not now. Maybe later.

I hope you understand.

My 101 in 1001 List

I am an avid reader of Jenna Simpson’s blog at aboutimagephotography.com. Around the new year Jenna posted an updated list of her 101 in 1001- simply 101 things to do in 1001 days. I have been making little notes here and there about what I would put on that list, and now I feel as though I could commit myself to completing it.

So here is my 101 in 1001, to have completed by Monday, 12 November, 2012 (granted the world doesn’t end…):

101 in 1001
1. Start a day without having a coffee
2. Go for a walk after supper each night that it isn’t below zero, or pouring rain
3. Create an amazing craft and rec room.
4. Clean out, and completely declutter my basement: rec room and laundry room
5. Get fully caught up on my scrapbooking
6. Take Justin on an airplane
7. Get pictures taken of just Justin and me
8. Lose enough weight to get into that special outfit, and wear it with pride
9. Act in front of a large crowd
10. Do something different & drastic with my hair
11. Go for an entire week without driving anywhere
12. Keep my nightstand drawers free of clutter and useless papers
13. Sort through the 40 gb of photos that I have of Zaphyn’s first 18 months of life.
14. Print photos and create a family photo wall in our house
15. Phase out as many genetically modified, high fat/sugar/sodium content, unnatural foods from my family’s diet
16. Snowboard again
17. Take a dance class (belly dancing if I am really daring)
18. Plant a garden I am proud of and tend to it
19. Read at least one book a month
-February: Time Traveller’s Wife
20. Watch seasons 2 & 3 of Grey’s Anatomy
21. Prepare healthy freezer meals on a regular basis
22. Read The Strong Minded Child
23. Keep consistant with my Wii Fit, regardless of my gym activity
24. Keep consistant with my gym activities, regardless of my Wii Fit use
25. Phase caffeine out of my diet
26. Have a sleepover with friends
27. Give myself a foot bath and paint my own toenails
28. Have a professional pedicure
29. Go camping as a family
30. Potty train my daughter without using bribery
31. Watch all of Stargate Atlantis
32. Sew more costumes and sell them
33. Set up and use my serger
34. Only eat out for special occasions
35. Visit Ottawa
36. Visit Europe
37. Get rid of some of my old toys, and some of Zaphyn’s baby items
38. Attend a conference on something I am passionate about
39. Take my arbonne vitamins regularly
40. Run a 10k marathon
41. Remain faithful to FLYLady
42. Stay off the internet for an entire weekend
43. Fill my MP3 player with inspiring music
44. Stop taking midday naps
45. Ensure my home has “curb appeal”, for my own judgement, and not others’
46. Eat fish without hesitation
47. Decorate a cake with fondant
48. Catalogue all of my childrens books and movies
49. Keep the TV off during the day unless I have EVERYTHING done for the day
50. Not complain to anyone about anyone else for an entire week (eek!)
51. Spend more time with Justin
52. Get the bedroom and bathroom doors replaced, and new trim installed
53. Pray nightly with Zaphyn
54. Go an entire week only focusing on the positive aspect of situations
55. Do a set of 100 core exercises (sit ups, etc.) before bed each night
56. Not call Justin at work unless it is completely necessary
57. Keep my home company-ready at all times
58. Pay more attention to my dog
59. Write a resume and portfolio
60. Decorate the back patio to be a summer “oasis”
61. Show Justin an ocean
62. Keep a food journal
63. Update my blog at least three times a week
64. Apply make-up and do my hair before going out of the house
65. Pay off my credit cards in full
66. Pay off my laser surgery
67. Begin saving for “the future”
68. Troop in MY OWN armour
69. Go to the ROM with my family
70. Learn to knit
71. Sew sundresses for Zaphyn
72. Learn to duel (ie Fencing, swords, sabres) Completed 15 February, 2010
73. Play baseball
74. Wash my face morning and night
75. Whiten my teeth
76. Decorate my bedroom
77. Sew curtains for Zaphyn’s room
78. Watch Glee from the beginning
79. Meet an online friend
80. Have a bubble bath, with candles, etc. like in a movie
81. Get properly fit for a bra
82. Clean out my mom’s room
83. Buy a digital SLR and learn how to use it properly
84. Find the perfect job
85. Learn how to say no
86. Perform a random act of kindness
87. Walk 10,000 steps per day for a week
88. Get my blood analyzed
89. Stop eating for emotional reasons
90. Take a day trip by myself
91. Grocery shop with a list and a strict budget
92. Sponsor a local child in the Toys for Tots charity
93. Go on a date with my husband
94. Do something completely spontaneous
95. Hike local trails without being winded
96. Take Zaphyn to an amusement park
97. Go to a concert with Justin
98. Go to a musical with Justin
99. Make a supply of cards to have ready for various occasions
100. See mountains
101. Go ziplining